Chicago: Garbage Movie Review

CHICAGO (2002)

CABBAGE RATING: 2.5 Gerbils out of 10

CAST: Richard Gere, Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifah, John C. Reilly, Catherine Zeta Jones, Colm Feore, Lucy Liu, Taye Diggs

REVIEW

Thppppppppppppppppppp... That's the sound of me farting and I'm currently weighing the sound of my own flatulence against the sound of the music in Chicago. I give my farts 3.5 out of 10. I give Chicago 2.5.

I got dragged to this movie and my nuts nearly fell off as I was drowned in estrogen from the opening credits. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a good chick flick like Terms of Endearment where there is good emotional content. And there is nothing wrong with movies that have a lot of music and singing in them like Purple Rain, when the music is good. But this just a two hour piece of tap dancing, wig wearing, skidmarks-causing crap and I'm going to have to watch Die Hard 100 times in a row before my balls even begin to grow back...

Don't watch this unless you are a chick that likes crap. The line should be drawn at Richard Gere hopping around while the director cuts to some dancing double from the knees down. Tappity tap tap tap. Don't let Renee Zellweger sing. Don't put Queen Latifah in form fitting outfits. Definitely don't put John C. Reilly in make-up. I would rather put my eyes in a jar of formaldehyde than watch this again.

Oh yeah, I think it won an Oscar or something (Best Picture 2002). That doesn't change the fact that I would rather make chili out of Osama Bin Laden's pubes and eat it than catch this masterpiece on DVD.

2.5 Gerbils out of 10. I'm going to stop writing while I am feeling generous before I downgrade it.

WATCH FOR:

Your testicles detaching from your body and crawling for the door in an effort to escape this experience.