Justice League - Fan Trailer

Fan trailers usually suck my left one, but this is pretty cool...

Chicago: Garbage Movie Review

CHICAGO (2002)

CABBAGE RATING: 2.5 Gerbils out of 10

CAST: Richard Gere, Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifah, John C. Reilly, Catherine Zeta Jones, Colm Feore, Lucy Liu, Taye Diggs

REVIEW

Thppppppppppppppppppp... That's the sound of me farting and I'm currently weighing the sound of my own flatulence against the sound of the music in Chicago. I give my farts 3.5 out of 10. I give Chicago 2.5.

I got dragged to this movie and my nuts nearly fell off as I was drowned in estrogen from the opening credits. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a good chick flick like Terms of Endearment where there is good emotional content. And there is nothing wrong with movies that have a lot of music and singing in them like Purple Rain, when the music is good. But this just a two hour piece of tap dancing, wig wearing, skidmarks-causing crap and I'm going to have to watch Die Hard 100 times in a row before my balls even begin to grow back...

Don't watch this unless you are a chick that likes crap. The line should be drawn at Richard Gere hopping around while the director cuts to some dancing double from the knees down. Tappity tap tap tap. Don't let Renee Zellweger sing. Don't put Queen Latifah in form fitting outfits. Definitely don't put John C. Reilly in make-up. I would rather put my eyes in a jar of formaldehyde than watch this again.

Oh yeah, I think it won an Oscar or something (Best Picture 2002). That doesn't change the fact that I would rather make chili out of Osama Bin Laden's pubes and eat it than catch this masterpiece on DVD.

2.5 Gerbils out of 10. I'm going to stop writing while I am feeling generous before I downgrade it.

WATCH FOR:

Your testicles detaching from your body and crawling for the door in an effort to escape this experience.

Day of the Dead: Zombie Defecation

Man... There is no doubt that 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later redefined the zombie horror and set new standards in all kinds of areas: acting, tension, character development, plot pacing. All of these things are almost or wholly absent from most of the zombie movies that have preceded or followed.

And in the post-28 Days Later world, a movie like this, even though it features vastly superior camera work and cinematography to most other zombie movies, doesn't cut it. In all other regards it falls into the abyss that traps most movies of the genre: crappy acting, characters you don't care about or believe, a story that drags its way to the end at the pace of a classic zombie.

Mena Suvari (American Beauty, American Pie) stars as an army corporal. For someone with her resume and experience, you would really be expecting more at this point. But she was cast massively against type, and seemingly simply because "Hey, we can get Mena Suvari!"

Ving Rhames Pulp Fiction, MissionL Impossible is apparently forging a position for himself in the zombie flick culture, as his role here follows his stint in the Dawn of the Dead remake.

Anyway, the nostalgic love affair with George Romero zombies seems to be continuing in Hollywood, and in this case, they brought in Friday the 13th mastermind Steve Miner to spice it up. And from a filmmaking perspective, it's passable in comparison to most other zombie movies. But the fact of the matter is, you don't care about anyone and it quickly descends into "How many different ways can a person kill a zombie or a zombie kill a person..."

The script does try to go briefly into the psychological capabilities of a zombie, which deserves some credit. But again, had I cared at all about the people involved, it would have been far more effective. And the physical abilities of the zombies made no sense. Sometimes they run at human speed, sometimes they run like The Flash, sometimes they scramble upside down along the ceiling a turbo-charged spider. But at least when I was trying to figure out just how far their superhero powers extended, my mind and attention were engaged in some way.

So, if you're a zombie movie fanatic, then this one will probably be above average. It falls somewhere below the Dawn of the Dead remake, and above Zombies on a Plane.

Two Bruce Campbell chins out of Ten.

The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior

Man, oh man...

Well, I was treated by a friend in the industry today to a sneak preview of The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior, which features the long-awaited and somewhat-hyped debut of Randy Couture in a sizable role in a feature film. Yes, we saw him as MMA-cred window dressing in Redbelt and so on, but this new career path is how he has been filling his time since beating down Gabe Gonzaga and certainly seems to play into his plans for life after fighting.

And so as a fight fan, as a film fan, as a fan of the Natural, I really went into this hoping to find the movie at least watchable or palatable...

I really did...

And I couldn't...

Man, this movie was just straight up bad. It actually made me long for the quality acting, scripting and cinematography of the first Scorpion King. And believe me, I wasn't blown away by that movie. It made me long for the acting and scripting of The Mummy, which I also wasn't even that crazy about. The Mummy made me wish I was watching Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Now, the bad news is that the acting in this movie is just plain terrible. And unfortunately, that includes Randy Couture. Now, Randy is the kind of guy that if he puts his mind to it, he will excel. And I would not count him out of the acting game permanently based on this performance, should he dedicate himself to this craft the way he dedicated himself to his mastery of MMA. But the fact of the matter is, he's just not ready yet. He is at the stage of the game where he should be doing the acting equivalent of fighting weak opposition in Cage Rage. He just needs to train and practice.

Every once in a blue moon, a guy like The Rock or arguably Carl Weathers can make the jump from sports and skip his way along the acting learning curve quite quickly to a level of competence. But a quick transition from sports to quality acting is the exception to the rule and for every Rock, there are a dozen Shaqs, Howie Longs, Brian Bosworths...

Here is the good news for Randy Couture. Every actor sucked in this movie. They all did. The acting was shiznit across the board and that puts a lot of the blame squarely on the director's shoulders. Randy may not be a trained actor but undoubtedly the majority of the remaining cast are. If not, then let's string up the casting director. Randy deserves the most praise of anyone in this debacle simply because he is a beginner. If an aspiring fighter walks into the Lion's Den to learn how to fight, he's going to damn well do what Ken Shamrock tells him to do. And the same probably goes for Randy Couture walking onto a professional high-budget movie set. What else he is going to do but follow the direction available and give it what he's got with minimal training?

Anyway, it goes without saying that emotional truth is lacking on everyone's part. The story is weak. The cinematography is passable for a straight-to-DVD piece but is a notable drop from the last Scorpion King flick.

All in all, this movie is a turd and is notable only for the Couture factor. And that novelty wears off about 5 seconds in. Still, stick it out if you like. I'll wait for Randy's next round when he has a bit of seasoning.